Little Toy Soldiers

New Year's morning I was pumped and ready to go. Time to hop on the computer and blog and design websites and make things happen for the new year.

First course of action for me was breakfast - all protein to get me a headstart on my return to Atkins in my quest to reach 200 lbs by Jan. 31, and qualify for a new prosthetic leg. 25 lbs to lose in 31 days - I can make it, if I focus. Headed upstairs, and my dear wife was already breaking the eggs into the skillet.

Quickly, I shifted gears into another goal for the year, being a better husband. I zoomed past the kitchen into the laundry room and pushed a load through. To give you some idea of how much I need to be a better husband in this particular area, I had to ask her how to operate the new washer we bought last year (ouch!).

Breakfast was great, and I took the dry clothes out to the living room to fold, readying myself for the dash down to my office to work. Just as I reached the bottom of the pile, my five-year-old son, Riker, started setting up his toy soldiers in the entry way, just as I used to do. He'd gotten his first set for Christmas, and was doing exactly what I described to him Christmas Day that I did years ago.

Conflicting orders. Do I rush downstairs, knowing he'll be fine, and hadn't asked me to join him? Or do I take the time with him to play? It may make for a syrupy post, but you're right if you assumed I got down on the floor with him. We set up opposing forces, then rolled a plastic ball towards each others men, methodically taking down the other's armada. He beat me with one last man standing.

Conflicting orders, by nature, create conflict. Did I do the right thing? It's easy to say yes, right? But what if that had led me to playing the rest of the day with the other kids? What if I let it derail my entire day?

Could an argument be made that I should have gone down, written my blog, then come back up? Certainly - the old adage "Do what you have to do so you can do what you want to do" is some of the oldest wisdom in the book.

But we are not Little Toy Soldiers, with our feet frozen in a singular stance. We have the ability to make our choices based on what we feel makes us successful, not what the world determines makes us successful. Even playing with Riker - I 'lost' the battle - but I won the War - the war with myself as to what I should do in the instant of conflicting orders. And I still came downstairs to work, as well.

It doesn't always happen that way - but it will happen more often when we stop letting other decide our outcomes for us - and take responsibility for each choice, and responsibility for creating our Self-Defined Success.

2011 - Every Year a New Challenge?

January First. No surprise that I would gather enough gumption to write a post, right? After all, today is the day so many of us insistently declare our new habits. How many of you are changing your eating habits, starting this very morning? Promising to exercise - even joining a health club? How about recommitting to following your passion and quitting your J.O.B.? Finding a new relationship, or improving the one you're in? Paying back debt?

The possibilities are endless.

Yesterday, as I started my soul-searching process by looking over 2010, and even a few years before, I discovered a few things that have changed - some that I liked, some that I didn't. I also saw that a lot hasn't changed at all.

- The last time I created a Top 100 Things to do in a Year List was 2008. I tried a short/medium/long term goal list in 2010, that wasn't very effective.
- 2010 saw me cross off many things from my Top 100 Things to do before I Die List - including speaking for a seminar company, going to Disneyworld, Paris, and rappelling down a cliff.
- I finally, as I've mentioned often, moved back to Colorado.
- While I successfully went off caffeine from 1/09 to 2/09 - I've been back on ever since. Two months did not a new habit create.
- The only goal I seriously set for 2011 that was accomplished in full was one I set with Kristi - finish her book - Thriving with Neurofibromatosis, and get it on the market.
- 2010 is the first year since 1999 I ended lighter than I started, though I haven't been at my lowest weight since August.
- 2010 was the first year since 2001 I did not compete in a Toastmasters contest - and I really miss it.

Beyond checklist type items, I still face the daily challenges and choices a husband, a father of six, and an entrepreneur face - balancing time, staying confident, staying committed (as anyone who reads this blog, or its companion blog, Speak & Deliver, cant attest to), staying focused, and, occasionally, staying sane.

In some ways, I've taken some amazing leaps forward in my life over the last two years. In others, I remain mired in the same mud I've been in for the last 20.

All results are still by choice, all results are ultimately my responsibility. Blaming the economy, the many naysayers in my life, the busy life of a big family, the way the healthcare system works (read my wife's blog, where she talks quite a bit about what challenges we have healthwise, and our efforts to Thrive through them), or any number of other easy excuses is unacceptable to me - it's an easy way out, and an easy way to accept less than what any of us are capable of accomplishing.

I'm not going to list a set of goals here to live up to today. I have a private list, and I'll record my process and progress this year as I go. That is, I guess the only goal I'll disclose - that I will write more, be more helpful and more open, and follow through on what I wanted this blog to be for all of you who have ever stopped by.

That, and I'm off caffeine again. So far, so good, on both counts.

Make 2011 your year to be a Champion of Choice!

Validation - When It Doesn't Matter Enough

Yesterday I wrote about Validation - When it Matters Too Much. Today, the other side of the coin.

Can you take a compliment? When someone tells you how great you are, what do you say? More importantly, what do you THINK?

If you're like most people, you immediately downplay it externally, and may downright dismiss it internally.

"Oh, it was nothing", "It could have been better", "No, it wasn't that great" and other dismissive comments are both disrespectful to the giver of the compliment and to yourself. Even if it WAS 'nothing' (and it never is), it wasn't to the person validating you. You're also telling your brain that you aren't good enough, which means for every compliment you get, you bash yourself. This is not constructive behavior.

We are somewhat trained to be this way growing up. After all, if we reply with "Yes, I am pretty great, aren't I", we're not going to be well-received. Society tells us to be modest and unassuming. We don't respect chest beaters and self-promotion - it comes off as arrogance. But "Yes, I am pretty great, aren't I" is exactly what we need to tell ourselves -- INTERNALLY.

If we dismiss it EXTERNALLY, however, we invalidate it inside. Learn to accept validation with grace - a simple "Thank you" does wonders. I often say "Thank you, I really enjoyed sharing it" when accepting compliments for a speech. Look your supporter in the eye when you say it, to make sure you're focused on them at the time, and not busy still disagreeing with them in your head.

Its amazing how easy it is for many of us to believe criticism and negativity, and, conversely, how difficult it is to accept praise and validation. How we handle it, however, is in our control - we can choose to believe or not believe.

I've struggled over the years with this, just as I have with wanting validation. It turned into a vicious circle - seeking validation, then dismissing it simultaneously, then feeling like I wasn't getting validation at all. I can trace instances in my past where someone would tell me how great I was, and I would not only disagree with them externally and internally, I would then take actions to prove how wrong they were. Have you ever found yourself in that position? Are you willing to admit it to yourself?

We can choose to accept validation, and use it to push us upward to our next accomplishment, or we can choose to downplay praise, and spend everyday feeling like we still have to earn a status we've already achieved. Look at it this way - if someone offered to pay your parking by stamping your ticket, how often would you turn them down?

The Choice, as always, is YOURS.

Validation - When It Matters Too Much

"Atta Boy!"
"Way to GO!"
"Best Speech Ever"
"What a Great Blog Post!"

Ah, Validation. Our society thrives on validation, whether it be consumer confidence, TV ratings, performance reviews, or retweets. We're brought up on M&M's as a reward for going potty, gold stars on completed school papers, merit-based bonuses in the workplace, and now, by how many friends and followers we have, and how high our Twitscore is!

But our desire for validation can be more destructive than constructive. In fact, it can stop you in your tracks if you make it too important.

How can you tell validation is too important? Ask yourself these questions:

1. Do I always look for the 'atta boy' when I say something I think is funny or profound?
2. Am I always wondering why nobody notices what I'm doing?
3. Do I stop doing something (picking up the house, commenting in meetings, writing blog posts) when it isn't immediately complimented?
4. Do I thrive only in a competitive environment, and even then, only when I'm winning?
5. Do I spend too much time tracking followers, friends, hits, comments, and bit.ly clicks, etc.?
6. Do I spend so much time making sure I'm doing the 'right' thing that I'm actually doing NOTHING?

Saying yes, even to just a small degree, to any of these are a strong indicator that you are making other people's opinion of you more important than the most important person's opinion - Your Own.

Compliments, accolades, and awards have their place. But striving for excellence shouldn't be reliant on recognition, and failure to achieve recognition shouldn't stop us in our tracks. Until we learn to become content with our own efforts and results, outside validation will have too strong an influence on our actions.

Instead of spending an inordinate amount of time waiting for that pat on the back, learn to give it to yourself. A few ideas:

A. Train yourself to tell yourself "Good Job" regardless of whether anyone else notices.
B. Instead of waiting for accolades to come in, start working on your next project.
C. Choose to stop looking at other people's results for a set duration of time.
D. Actively start complimenting others. This will make it easier for you to compliment yourself.

Of course, I don't want to invalidate validation, or the value of feedback. Certainly, knowing people like what we are doing can be vital to doing business. But if our desire for it stops us from doing business at all, its importance is out of proportion.

I'll be honest - I struggle with validation. I have to say I can answer, to some degree, yes to all those questions I posed to you. But I'm getting better - and I'm seeing interesting results.

The less I worry about validation, the more I receive. So go do what you do, and let the world watch. When they're ready to validate, be ready to deal with it.

Wanting it too much is bad enough - sometimes getting it can be even worse. Tomorrow I'll talk about what to do next.

No One Has The Same Truth

This statement has led me to several philosophical discussions over the last few weeks.

I shared "No One Has The Same Truth" on Facebook, and it turned into a four hour debate over whether 2 + 2 is four. Interesting, certainly, to battle that particular battle, and a bit pointless. Is 2 + 2 = 4 a 'truth' or a 'result'? If I think of this problem, do I even see it in my head the same way you do, from the font we picture the numbers written in, to the items we're counting, to the method of adding?

Still, for the sake of expediency, I grant you that the answer is four, and that few people would legitimately say otherwise.

But does that mean the statement 'No One Has The Same Truth" is wrong? Depends on your definition of Truth. For me, Truth goes beyond a basic fact, and into a realm of greater perception.

For example, what does 'Fast' mean? Depends, doesn't it? On what you're used to, on the vehicle, on the weather, on the terrain. Assuming you're even applying the term to travel. You might have thought I meant it in terms of work or problem-solving or even abstaining from food.

No One Has The Same Truth because none of us have shared exactly the same experiences.

More important than debating this issue is what accepting this as Truth (ironically enough) can do for us as individuals. It frees us to feel whatever way we want to about anything. If something 'bad' happens, we don't have to automatically consider it bad. We can accept that there are other Truths about the event that we could accept and act on accordingly.

Would that be a helpful emotional tool to you the next time your car battery dies on you, or the next time you get laid off?

It also allows us to understand other people better. How many times in your life have you dealt with the frustration of thinking "they just don't get it!" or "I can't believe they think that"? How many times have you wondered why someone else was upset with you, and doubted the validity of their feelings once you found them out?

That anger and frustration can waste a tremendous amount of our time and energy. When we accept that 'No One Has The Same Truth', it becomes easier for us to move beyond a need to change the other person, and move towards changing our own approach with the other person, based on our understanding that we simply don't share the same Truth.

Where it may be most helpful, though, is how we look at ourselves. From the minute we're born, we react to outside stimula - and learn to judge ourselves through other people's Truth. Our entire self-image is dramatically affected by whose Truth we accept in our lives. If you had supportive, positive parents, you likely feel confident and self-assured. If you were beaten or otherwise mistreated, your Truth will likely be one of lower value than others around you. While I hear you thinking "these are generalizations, not Truths", stick with me, because that is exactly the point.

Once we realize that we control our Truth, we can choose to change it. If we had a lousy Dad and we grew up believing that we weren't worth their love, we can change that Truth to something else - anything else, frankly, that allows us to move on in a more positive direction. Maybe that Truth is that he wasn't mature enough, and that's not my issue, that's his. Maybe it's my parents were better off apart and he wouldn't have been good for me anyway, and that's their issue, not mine. Maybe it's that he was abducted by aliens, and its their fault, not yours OR his.

Whatever allows us to move on in a direction we want to go is a helpful Truth, as long as it doesn't lead us to hurting others. Depending on your definition of hurting others, I suppose - which brings us back to the circular argument, and where too many of us stay for too long instead of recognizing the power of being in control of our Truth.

The 'Truth' that 'No One Has The Same Truth' can be used for good or evil. Truth has always served those who so declare it to be Truth.

All I'm saying, and now applying daily, is that we can use our own 'Truth' to get us where we want to go instead of relying on other people's 'Truth' to validate our lives.

Do you think you can sell real estate, even in a bad economy? Do you think Internet Marketing is a scam? Do you believe you're not someone who can get in front of an audience and speak? Think about these and other statements, then ask yourself - "Who's Truth is This?"

There are people making money in real estate right now, and others are going broke. There are those losing money in Internet Marketing, others making a killing. There are people just like you speaking in front of audiences everyday. Whose Truth are you going to make yours? Can you conceive of creating a new truth just for you and your goals?

I watched four formerly morbidly obese people change their truth by running a marathon on the Biggest Loser two nights ago. Aron Ralston changed his 'Truth' from 'you don't want to cut off your own arm' (a widely shared belief), to 'I must cut off my own arm'. My wife changed her 'Truth' from 'Neurofibromatosis is a family curse sent by God' to 'Thriving with Neurofibromatosis'.

Once you learn to form your own Truths, believe in them, and act on them, your life cannot help but to reflect them. Choose your Truth - and you'll Choose your Life.

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Just Keep Swimming!

Right before I went to Disneyworld on Nov. 14th with my family for a week, I managed to get my email box down to ZERO. An amazing feat for me.

My habit is to keep 75-100 emails, with a goal of 50, the most I can see on the screen at once in g-Mail with my current settings. I had emails from 2008 sitting in the bottom, filled with testimonials about my speaking coaching that I kept saying I'd get on my website and never did. I still haven't, but I've at least copied the info to another spot on my hard-drive, and filed that email away. I think that was progress.

So I'm gone for a week, and deliberately didn't check email, blog, etc. the entire time. Not that anyone noticed, because I've been pathetic at keeping up with my blogging for awhile now. I'd say I'm CHOOSING to change that, but I'd rather, at this point, shut up and just do it, and talk about the choice later.

Coming back from Orlando, I find just over 500 messages in the inbox. The breakdown was about 20 percent Twitter notifications, 20 percent newsletters, 10 percent personal, and 50 percent Internet Marketing opportunities I've been looking into the last few months. I think the most common name was Matt Bacak.

Two weeks later, I'm still at about 350 messages, because I've told myself I want to pay close attention to those internet messages and take some action. Those two weeks have been filled with so many other projects though - finishing, proofing, and marketing Thriving with Neurofibromatosis, the Thanksgiving Holiday, and staying in the top third of my Fantasy Football pool.

So now, do I just delete them all and start over? I'm sure in a week I could fill it up again. But what amazing opportunity will I miss? It's amazing how too many opportunities can turn into none when we let them paralyze us, or just overwhelm us.

That's probably been my biggest obstacle since declaring the initial Champion of Choice Challenge - too many opportunities. Crazy. Should I pursue speaking, coaching, writing, blogging, marketing - how much of each - or should I take some speaking job with a company willing to fly me everywhere? I made ALL of those choices over the last year, and while I've added a tremendous amount of experiences to my life and helped my wife write her book, I can't say I've done as much as I'd like to, or yielded the results I'd hoped.

It's at this point I feel a bit like Marlin and Dory in their search for Little Nemo - I tell myself "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." And I do, and I will. Without swimming, I'd of missed a tremendous amount of opportunites over the last 18 months. I just want to swim with even more purpose than before.

So today, among other things, like my daugter's doc appointment, I'll be swimming through all those emails - and tomorrow, my email account will be back down to zero, and I'll have either found some great opportunities, or I'll at least have a clean box to catch the next ones.

What are you going to do with all your opportunities today?

Thriving with Neurofibromatosis

For the past 22 months, my wife has been blogging about Thriving with Neurofibromatosis - a genetic condition that creates tumors externally and internally, resulting in a wide range of issues for those who have it. In some, large tumors grown on the outside, causing physical deformations. For others, tumors do their damage on the inside, affecting their spine, vision or hearing. Tumors can be benign or cancerous. The disorder is progressive, leaving its victims in a state of uncertainty throughout their lives, as they wonder how it will manifest in their bodies from day to day.

Neurofibromatosis (NF) is one of the most common genetic disorders in existence, yet one of the least talked about. Those with NF often hide the fact when possible, or if they are unable to hide the effects, hide themselves. It can be inherited, or spontaneously mutate at birth, and it affects 1 in 3000 worldwide.

The Children's Tumor Foundation is devoted to finding a 'cure' for NF - though the only real cure is isolating and altering the gene sequence. They are also searching for effective treatment plans for the many symptoms of the disorder.

Kristi and our three of our children have NF. Rachel may be losing her vision in the next 10 years. Bailey could lose hearing, and significant muscle control in her face. Braden may never reach a point where he is able to live outside the home without adult supervision. The four of them all have the same disorder, but are all affected in very different ways.

Click Here to Purchase!

For the last year, and with an intense burst these last three weeks, Kristi has written a biographical account of her life living with NF, and her choice to go beyond living with it, and begin a life of Thriving with NF. She has connected with thousands of people with NF around the world, and hopes to reach out with these words of encouragement for them. Depression is one of the most common factors of this disorder, and is only made worse by NF's unpredictable effects.

Thriving is an option for all of us, whether we have NF, MS, cancer, amputated limbs, or simply hate our lives. What Kristi has learned goes beyond NF, and has changed her outlook completely as she works to create a Thriving attitude within our family, the NF community, and the world around her.

This book has been a labor of love for both of us. I have been focused on helping her get her words on paper the last three weeks, as well as designing, editing, and preparing it for publication, which is why I have not been blogging for the last month. Finishing this book, however, was one of my big goals when I left my last position of employment - so it is a victory for both of us to have it now available for sale.

The book is available now, and will be shipped by mid-December. Click HERE for your copy. NF or no, Thriving is essential to all of us.

As my wife would say - Thrive On!