Validation - When It Doesn't Matter Enough

Yesterday I wrote about Validation - When it Matters Too Much. Today, the other side of the coin.

Can you take a compliment? When someone tells you how great you are, what do you say? More importantly, what do you THINK?

If you're like most people, you immediately downplay it externally, and may downright dismiss it internally.

"Oh, it was nothing", "It could have been better", "No, it wasn't that great" and other dismissive comments are both disrespectful to the giver of the compliment and to yourself. Even if it WAS 'nothing' (and it never is), it wasn't to the person validating you. You're also telling your brain that you aren't good enough, which means for every compliment you get, you bash yourself. This is not constructive behavior.

We are somewhat trained to be this way growing up. After all, if we reply with "Yes, I am pretty great, aren't I", we're not going to be well-received. Society tells us to be modest and unassuming. We don't respect chest beaters and self-promotion - it comes off as arrogance. But "Yes, I am pretty great, aren't I" is exactly what we need to tell ourselves -- INTERNALLY.

If we dismiss it EXTERNALLY, however, we invalidate it inside. Learn to accept validation with grace - a simple "Thank you" does wonders. I often say "Thank you, I really enjoyed sharing it" when accepting compliments for a speech. Look your supporter in the eye when you say it, to make sure you're focused on them at the time, and not busy still disagreeing with them in your head.

Its amazing how easy it is for many of us to believe criticism and negativity, and, conversely, how difficult it is to accept praise and validation. How we handle it, however, is in our control - we can choose to believe or not believe.

I've struggled over the years with this, just as I have with wanting validation. It turned into a vicious circle - seeking validation, then dismissing it simultaneously, then feeling like I wasn't getting validation at all. I can trace instances in my past where someone would tell me how great I was, and I would not only disagree with them externally and internally, I would then take actions to prove how wrong they were. Have you ever found yourself in that position? Are you willing to admit it to yourself?

We can choose to accept validation, and use it to push us upward to our next accomplishment, or we can choose to downplay praise, and spend everyday feeling like we still have to earn a status we've already achieved. Look at it this way - if someone offered to pay your parking by stamping your ticket, how often would you turn them down?

The Choice, as always, is YOURS.

Validation - When It Matters Too Much

"Atta Boy!"
"Way to GO!"
"Best Speech Ever"
"What a Great Blog Post!"

Ah, Validation. Our society thrives on validation, whether it be consumer confidence, TV ratings, performance reviews, or retweets. We're brought up on M&M's as a reward for going potty, gold stars on completed school papers, merit-based bonuses in the workplace, and now, by how many friends and followers we have, and how high our Twitscore is!

But our desire for validation can be more destructive than constructive. In fact, it can stop you in your tracks if you make it too important.

How can you tell validation is too important? Ask yourself these questions:

1. Do I always look for the 'atta boy' when I say something I think is funny or profound?
2. Am I always wondering why nobody notices what I'm doing?
3. Do I stop doing something (picking up the house, commenting in meetings, writing blog posts) when it isn't immediately complimented?
4. Do I thrive only in a competitive environment, and even then, only when I'm winning?
5. Do I spend too much time tracking followers, friends, hits, comments, and bit.ly clicks, etc.?
6. Do I spend so much time making sure I'm doing the 'right' thing that I'm actually doing NOTHING?

Saying yes, even to just a small degree, to any of these are a strong indicator that you are making other people's opinion of you more important than the most important person's opinion - Your Own.

Compliments, accolades, and awards have their place. But striving for excellence shouldn't be reliant on recognition, and failure to achieve recognition shouldn't stop us in our tracks. Until we learn to become content with our own efforts and results, outside validation will have too strong an influence on our actions.

Instead of spending an inordinate amount of time waiting for that pat on the back, learn to give it to yourself. A few ideas:

A. Train yourself to tell yourself "Good Job" regardless of whether anyone else notices.
B. Instead of waiting for accolades to come in, start working on your next project.
C. Choose to stop looking at other people's results for a set duration of time.
D. Actively start complimenting others. This will make it easier for you to compliment yourself.

Of course, I don't want to invalidate validation, or the value of feedback. Certainly, knowing people like what we are doing can be vital to doing business. But if our desire for it stops us from doing business at all, its importance is out of proportion.

I'll be honest - I struggle with validation. I have to say I can answer, to some degree, yes to all those questions I posed to you. But I'm getting better - and I'm seeing interesting results.

The less I worry about validation, the more I receive. So go do what you do, and let the world watch. When they're ready to validate, be ready to deal with it.

Wanting it too much is bad enough - sometimes getting it can be even worse. Tomorrow I'll talk about what to do next.

No One Has The Same Truth

This statement has led me to several philosophical discussions over the last few weeks.

I shared "No One Has The Same Truth" on Facebook, and it turned into a four hour debate over whether 2 + 2 is four. Interesting, certainly, to battle that particular battle, and a bit pointless. Is 2 + 2 = 4 a 'truth' or a 'result'? If I think of this problem, do I even see it in my head the same way you do, from the font we picture the numbers written in, to the items we're counting, to the method of adding?

Still, for the sake of expediency, I grant you that the answer is four, and that few people would legitimately say otherwise.

But does that mean the statement 'No One Has The Same Truth" is wrong? Depends on your definition of Truth. For me, Truth goes beyond a basic fact, and into a realm of greater perception.

For example, what does 'Fast' mean? Depends, doesn't it? On what you're used to, on the vehicle, on the weather, on the terrain. Assuming you're even applying the term to travel. You might have thought I meant it in terms of work or problem-solving or even abstaining from food.

No One Has The Same Truth because none of us have shared exactly the same experiences.

More important than debating this issue is what accepting this as Truth (ironically enough) can do for us as individuals. It frees us to feel whatever way we want to about anything. If something 'bad' happens, we don't have to automatically consider it bad. We can accept that there are other Truths about the event that we could accept and act on accordingly.

Would that be a helpful emotional tool to you the next time your car battery dies on you, or the next time you get laid off?

It also allows us to understand other people better. How many times in your life have you dealt with the frustration of thinking "they just don't get it!" or "I can't believe they think that"? How many times have you wondered why someone else was upset with you, and doubted the validity of their feelings once you found them out?

That anger and frustration can waste a tremendous amount of our time and energy. When we accept that 'No One Has The Same Truth', it becomes easier for us to move beyond a need to change the other person, and move towards changing our own approach with the other person, based on our understanding that we simply don't share the same Truth.

Where it may be most helpful, though, is how we look at ourselves. From the minute we're born, we react to outside stimula - and learn to judge ourselves through other people's Truth. Our entire self-image is dramatically affected by whose Truth we accept in our lives. If you had supportive, positive parents, you likely feel confident and self-assured. If you were beaten or otherwise mistreated, your Truth will likely be one of lower value than others around you. While I hear you thinking "these are generalizations, not Truths", stick with me, because that is exactly the point.

Once we realize that we control our Truth, we can choose to change it. If we had a lousy Dad and we grew up believing that we weren't worth their love, we can change that Truth to something else - anything else, frankly, that allows us to move on in a more positive direction. Maybe that Truth is that he wasn't mature enough, and that's not my issue, that's his. Maybe it's my parents were better off apart and he wouldn't have been good for me anyway, and that's their issue, not mine. Maybe it's that he was abducted by aliens, and its their fault, not yours OR his.

Whatever allows us to move on in a direction we want to go is a helpful Truth, as long as it doesn't lead us to hurting others. Depending on your definition of hurting others, I suppose - which brings us back to the circular argument, and where too many of us stay for too long instead of recognizing the power of being in control of our Truth.

The 'Truth' that 'No One Has The Same Truth' can be used for good or evil. Truth has always served those who so declare it to be Truth.

All I'm saying, and now applying daily, is that we can use our own 'Truth' to get us where we want to go instead of relying on other people's 'Truth' to validate our lives.

Do you think you can sell real estate, even in a bad economy? Do you think Internet Marketing is a scam? Do you believe you're not someone who can get in front of an audience and speak? Think about these and other statements, then ask yourself - "Who's Truth is This?"

There are people making money in real estate right now, and others are going broke. There are those losing money in Internet Marketing, others making a killing. There are people just like you speaking in front of audiences everyday. Whose Truth are you going to make yours? Can you conceive of creating a new truth just for you and your goals?

I watched four formerly morbidly obese people change their truth by running a marathon on the Biggest Loser two nights ago. Aron Ralston changed his 'Truth' from 'you don't want to cut off your own arm' (a widely shared belief), to 'I must cut off my own arm'. My wife changed her 'Truth' from 'Neurofibromatosis is a family curse sent by God' to 'Thriving with Neurofibromatosis'.

Once you learn to form your own Truths, believe in them, and act on them, your life cannot help but to reflect them. Choose your Truth - and you'll Choose your Life.

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Just Keep Swimming!

Right before I went to Disneyworld on Nov. 14th with my family for a week, I managed to get my email box down to ZERO. An amazing feat for me.

My habit is to keep 75-100 emails, with a goal of 50, the most I can see on the screen at once in g-Mail with my current settings. I had emails from 2008 sitting in the bottom, filled with testimonials about my speaking coaching that I kept saying I'd get on my website and never did. I still haven't, but I've at least copied the info to another spot on my hard-drive, and filed that email away. I think that was progress.

So I'm gone for a week, and deliberately didn't check email, blog, etc. the entire time. Not that anyone noticed, because I've been pathetic at keeping up with my blogging for awhile now. I'd say I'm CHOOSING to change that, but I'd rather, at this point, shut up and just do it, and talk about the choice later.

Coming back from Orlando, I find just over 500 messages in the inbox. The breakdown was about 20 percent Twitter notifications, 20 percent newsletters, 10 percent personal, and 50 percent Internet Marketing opportunities I've been looking into the last few months. I think the most common name was Matt Bacak.

Two weeks later, I'm still at about 350 messages, because I've told myself I want to pay close attention to those internet messages and take some action. Those two weeks have been filled with so many other projects though - finishing, proofing, and marketing Thriving with Neurofibromatosis, the Thanksgiving Holiday, and staying in the top third of my Fantasy Football pool.

So now, do I just delete them all and start over? I'm sure in a week I could fill it up again. But what amazing opportunity will I miss? It's amazing how too many opportunities can turn into none when we let them paralyze us, or just overwhelm us.

That's probably been my biggest obstacle since declaring the initial Champion of Choice Challenge - too many opportunities. Crazy. Should I pursue speaking, coaching, writing, blogging, marketing - how much of each - or should I take some speaking job with a company willing to fly me everywhere? I made ALL of those choices over the last year, and while I've added a tremendous amount of experiences to my life and helped my wife write her book, I can't say I've done as much as I'd like to, or yielded the results I'd hoped.

It's at this point I feel a bit like Marlin and Dory in their search for Little Nemo - I tell myself "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." And I do, and I will. Without swimming, I'd of missed a tremendous amount of opportunites over the last 18 months. I just want to swim with even more purpose than before.

So today, among other things, like my daugter's doc appointment, I'll be swimming through all those emails - and tomorrow, my email account will be back down to zero, and I'll have either found some great opportunities, or I'll at least have a clean box to catch the next ones.

What are you going to do with all your opportunities today?

Thriving with Neurofibromatosis

For the past 22 months, my wife has been blogging about Thriving with Neurofibromatosis - a genetic condition that creates tumors externally and internally, resulting in a wide range of issues for those who have it. In some, large tumors grown on the outside, causing physical deformations. For others, tumors do their damage on the inside, affecting their spine, vision or hearing. Tumors can be benign or cancerous. The disorder is progressive, leaving its victims in a state of uncertainty throughout their lives, as they wonder how it will manifest in their bodies from day to day.

Neurofibromatosis (NF) is one of the most common genetic disorders in existence, yet one of the least talked about. Those with NF often hide the fact when possible, or if they are unable to hide the effects, hide themselves. It can be inherited, or spontaneously mutate at birth, and it affects 1 in 3000 worldwide.

The Children's Tumor Foundation is devoted to finding a 'cure' for NF - though the only real cure is isolating and altering the gene sequence. They are also searching for effective treatment plans for the many symptoms of the disorder.

Kristi and our three of our children have NF. Rachel may be losing her vision in the next 10 years. Bailey could lose hearing, and significant muscle control in her face. Braden may never reach a point where he is able to live outside the home without adult supervision. The four of them all have the same disorder, but are all affected in very different ways.

Click Here to Purchase!

For the last year, and with an intense burst these last three weeks, Kristi has written a biographical account of her life living with NF, and her choice to go beyond living with it, and begin a life of Thriving with NF. She has connected with thousands of people with NF around the world, and hopes to reach out with these words of encouragement for them. Depression is one of the most common factors of this disorder, and is only made worse by NF's unpredictable effects.

Thriving is an option for all of us, whether we have NF, MS, cancer, amputated limbs, or simply hate our lives. What Kristi has learned goes beyond NF, and has changed her outlook completely as she works to create a Thriving attitude within our family, the NF community, and the world around her.

This book has been a labor of love for both of us. I have been focused on helping her get her words on paper the last three weeks, as well as designing, editing, and preparing it for publication, which is why I have not been blogging for the last month. Finishing this book, however, was one of my big goals when I left my last position of employment - so it is a victory for both of us to have it now available for sale.

The book is available now, and will be shipped by mid-December. Click HERE for your copy. NF or no, Thriving is essential to all of us.

As my wife would say - Thrive On!

Trust.

photo by Tela Chhe

Learning to walk is never easy. As infants, we start with blind trust as we imitate those older than us and attempt to get on our feet. With the first fall, we begin learning NOT to trust.

Falling hurts. Don't trust the concrete. Don't trust the end table corner. Don't trust whatever it is I just tripped on, leaving my face a half inch deep in blue shag carpet.

Mommy - I can trust Mommy. She'll catch me. If she's not making dinner, cleaning the table, or running that loud machine in the living room that seems intent on chasing me all over the house.

Eventually, we learn to trust ourselves, our own strength and balance, and walking becomes second nature.

For me, I had to learn to walk twice. Once the regular way, then, for the second time, 38 years later. When my left ankle ceased to operate without pain, I took the upgrade option, allowing doctors to lop off my left leg about five inches below my left knee. This meant 6 weeks in bed, followed by the fitting of a prosthetic leg.

There are a lot of factors involved with learning to walk after a procedure like this. For me, I was relatively lucky. No catastrophic injury, so my remaining leg was healthy, the stump smooth and uniform. I was healthy, if a bit overweight, and I had some incentive - I was due to compete in the 2006 World Championship of Public Speaking 8 weeks after being given my first new leg. I wanted to walk across that stage if at all possible - and walk without worry.

Just as I did as a one-year-old, I went through a testing process, learning to trust all over again. To trust that my leg wouldn't hurt when I walked. That I was putting the new leg on correctly. That it wouldn't fall off, buckle under my weight, or slip out from under me. I had to take a leap of faith - trust in something that I couldn't verify ahead of time, since I couldn't feel where my new foot was. I spent many days falling forward, falling backward, totally focused on the leg, instead of walking.

It wasn't until I chose to trust the prosthetic that I began to walk as I had before. To focus on the goal and trust I had the process in place to get me there.

It's easy to spend life looking for better and better processes. Faster, more reliable technology. The next big thing. The silver bullet, sure-fire system to fame and fortune. Is it easier to focus on the method instead of the goal? Do we feel we have control over methods, but not the results?

Certainly, finding a good system/process/prosthetic is important. But there comes a point when we need to Trust in the process we've given ourselves, instead of waiting for something better. To focus on where we're going more than how we're getting there. You rarely get where you're wanting to go by focusing on your toes, synthetic or otherwise.

Trust is a good thing - and remember - after you learned to walk - you learned to RUN.

If It Were Easy, It Wouldn't Be A Challenge.

Photo by BKM_BR

Are you equipped for the Challenge, or is your tread wearing thin?

25 days ago, I threw down the gauntlet. 12 days ago, I asked for feedback. It's been suggested that The Champion of Choice Challenge is less than powerful, and that I should dump it altogether.

The beginning of the Champion of Choice concept itself was Spring of 2009 - I was looking for a 'tagline' of sorts to help people know who I am and what I talk about. I wanted to be that "Champion of Choice Guy", since the core of most of my talks is personal choice, power, and responsibility. Turning it into a challenge seemed a logical choice as well, if a bit risky. The original method was daily videos talking about what I wanted to achieve each day, and how well I did. The videos stopped the day I got feedback that my videos were getting repetitive.

I've had multiple reboots of the Challenge - I'm in the midst of 4.0 at the moment.

I've put in a lot of thought over the last 12 days about the future of this blog, and the Champion of Choice concept. From a marketing standpoint, I think I'm better off simply being me - Rich Hopkins. There are very few speakers that are known by monikers other than their names - Scott the Nametag Guy, comes to mind, as does Steve Siebold, the 'Mental Toughness Guy', but only Scott really markets himself that way. Zig is Zig, Jeanne Robertson is Jeanne Robertson, Les Brown is Les Brown. A gimmick simply isn't necessary. If anything, my Speak & Deliver brand, which goes with the coaching side of my business, has grown more quickly, and offers more recognition.

What is the goal of being a Champion of Choice, anyway? What is the goal of the Challenge?

Success. Personal success, be it spiritual, physical, financial, professional, relational, emotional, or any combination of the above. Self-Defined Success. Success that relies on our personal definition of it, instead what the world insists success should be for each of us.

Self-Defined Success is a result I've been pursuing my whole life. Working not to worry about other people's opinions of me, be it kids in school that made fun of me for the way I walked and ran, or pursuing the type of career and family I wanted whether my family or friends understood and supported it or not.

It isn't easy. Judgments come everyday, both external and internal. Either can freeze us in our tracks, and make us want to ease back into the easy fitting roles that will allow us to be accepted and approved of by others, instead of sticking to our guns and learning to approve of ourselves based on our own criteria.

It doesn't mean living in a complete vacuum. Feedback is important - and more important is how we handle the feedback. Instead of making my videos more interesting last year, I went to written posts. Instead of trusting my strategy, I took a job that wasn't right for me, despite some of the positives that came out of it. (Even wrong choices can have positive results if you make right choices within them).

My choices this fall continue to be questioned by the world, and I often find myself questioning them as well, out of fear. This is the same fear that keeps many of us in our boxes, afraid to do what we really want to with our lives, and settling for less success than we are capable of achieving.

If it were easy, it wouldn't be a Challenge. The Challenge continues. What will not continue is my branding effort to be 'The Champion of Choice'. I've always felt that particular moniker is a bit egotistical sounding, a bit cheesy. Maybe I could have made it a successful synonym for me, if I truly believed in it, but I simply don't. What I really believe in is the concept of being a Self-Defined Success, and that being a Champion of Choice will get us there.

Self-Defined Success will now be the prevalent theme, combined with Champion of Choice, but headlined by my own identity.

Why would I put this thought process here for all to see? Same reasons I always have - to be transparent and to potentially help you as you face difficult choices of your own. Besides, some of the fun of four-wheeling is looking at the dirt you've kicked up onto your truck. Self-Defined Success doesn't come always easily, and being a Champion of Choice is a daily challenge.

Watch for changes here - but more importantly, be willing to make changes in your own approaches, if you find yourself running into rough roads on your way to your goal. You don't have to give up - you may just need to upgrade your tires.

Champion of Choice Newsletter....

photo art by Paul Stevenson

Yesterday I was setting up a newsletter list for my wife over at ThrivingWithNF.com, and the harsh reality hit me - I haven't sent out a newsletter all year, and have only sent 3 in the lifetime of my list.

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions, and in this case hell is a list of people who probably have forgotten all about me!

There are several choices involved in restarting this newsletter:

A. One or Two - most of you know that I am a speaker, and a coach. My other blog, Speak & Deliver has a strong following, and coaching is a primary income stream. As a speaker, I'm continuing to develop on the Champion of Choice theme, building a keynote and a book. Should each have a separate newsletter, or should I have a combined newsletter that covers both?

B. How Often - Monthy? Weekly? Twice a Month? What can I keep up with? Should it even have a regular schedule? What is valuable to you?

C. Do I Market - Should I put ads in the newsletter? Should I send marketing letters for various products I involve myself with to this list?

D. More Readers - While over 200 people are now subscribed, I want to get over 1000 by the end of the year - which marketing methods will let more people know about our crusade to champion choice? Currently people sign up at my website, which also faces the challenges of Speaker vs. Coach. What else can I do?

E. Content - Should I repurpose the blog? Use guest writers? Offer profiles of great Champions of Choice?

Lots to think about, but choices must be made.

Have you been sitting on a project for days, weeks, months? Share it with us, and your fellow Champions of Choice will chime in to help. As for my project? Please - help me help you!

Is Choice a Decision, or an Action?

by Stephen Barnett

Three frogs are sitting on a log. After an 3 long hours in the sun, one decides to jump off. How many frogs are left?

The answer to this age old question posed by motivational speakers everywhere is, of course, three. A decision isn't the same as an action. Which poses, to me, as The Champion of Choice, another question - is Choice a decision, or an action?

A Choice, in my estimation, is a selection - an order of sorts. We choose what we want off a menu, and order it. Initially we decide, but until we Choose, we don't get the results we decided upon. I may decide I want a hamburger, but if I don't choose to tell the wait staff, my decision remains the same but my choice is silence and hunger. 

The Secret Movie is often derided for its "Wish and You Will Attract it into Your Life" philosophy, illustrated by the boy wishing for a bike, and the girl desiring a necklace, immediately followed by each getting their desire. What it doesn't show, and presumably doesn't even believe, is the actions taken by the recipients, or the people around them, to make those wishes come true.

It may FEEL like enough: "I wrote down my 6 month, 12 month, and 5 year goals - wow, that was tough", "I know I want the Mercedes-Benz, not the Cadillac, now that I've done all the research and test-driven both", or even "I have had it, I am ending this relationship/job/bad habit" - all can come with a bit of an adrenalin rush of satisfaction for finally verbalizing or writing it out for all to see. Heck, the motivational experts themselves tell us to let the world know, to write stuff down, to know our goals.

It may FEEL like enough, but it's not. How many of us have reams of notebooks filled with goals we've never fulfilled? One of the jokes I used to use in my speeches was "I'm a great goal setter - my goal for losing weight gets bigger every year!"

Frankly, it's not even necessary. We take successful action all the time without goals in mind. Results may not always be what we want, but we are capable of action every second. The retail world thrives on impulse decisions/choices, from candy bars to tinted windows and titanium hubcaps. But action successfully taken is not the same as directed action.

We can have decisions that sit inert without actions, and actions with a variety of results without clear decision driving them. At the end of the day, a lack of acting on decision OR choice is a decision/choice in an of itself. The Choice is an action, but it is not enough.This is, in general, how the average human lives most of their life, letting their Choices of NOT choosing create their environment.

Perhaps this is just a battle of semantics, and I should be just as happy to call myself the Duke of Decision. But for my intents and purposes, Choice = Decision + Action. 

We can Choose our results, by deciding what they are and taking action on them - Choosing them, plucking them off the shelf ourselves, putting in the order to the kitchen, and jumping off the log to our next destination. Decision and Action must work together to create Choices that build our Self-Defined Life.

Time to jump.

The Gauntlet is Thrown

photo by DieselDemon

I walked away from my job. The day after Labor Day, I gave two weeks notice, and yesterday was my last official day on payroll. You can read more details on how it all came about at today's Speak & Deliver post.

In a nutshell - I was in a job I didn't believe in, and I was out of town more often than not, with my kids growing up without me. There were financial implications involved as well, but in the end, it was a decision driven by the fact that I was not creating a life I wanted, but a life that was 'more acceptable' in the world's eyes than working for myself (and occasionally struggling, financially). 

How can I inspire others as The Champion of Choice if I am not true to my ultimate goal of helping people seek their Self-Defined Success? 

I will say that my time with People to People yielded some good results:

A. I moved to Denver, albeit on my own dime.

B. I spent two weeks in Europe

C. I got a tremendous amount of experience speaking on a nightly basis

D. I was part of an interesting form of sales/seminar speaking

E. I was able to test my own limitations, physically and emotionally

I learned a tremendous amount about myself, and what is really important in life. Last post, I discussed our Personal Choice Foundation. For me, family is number one - and nothing that gets in the way of family beyond reason will get in the way again.

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So now what? Back to speaking, coaching, consulting, writing - and I'll trying my hand at affiliate marketing as well. I am more determined than ever to build the life I want - working for myself, being near my family, and inspiring, educating, and encouraging others in every way possible to take responsibility for their lives, become for effective communicators, and create their Self-Defined Success.

I have some very achievable goals over the next year to track as part of my personal challenge:

A - Monthly Income - from 0 to 3000/mo. by end of year, 5K/mo by next June, and 10K/month by end of next year. These may be high, they may be low, but they are benchmarks for me to go after - and the more people I help, the faster I will achieve them.

B - Speaking - putting together three keynotes over the next three months and delivering them to as many audiences as possible. 

C - Writing - finishing Kristi's book within the next 6 weeks, my own book by end of year. 

D - Building set-it-and-forget-it affiliate marketing sites that will generate a large portion of my income.

E - Coach business professionals to be better communicators both in-person and online

F - build a PR presence that puts me top of mind to my market segments as a speaker, coach and marketer (all different segments, to some degree)

G - Deliver on my promises, past, present and future - there are a few of you out there that know exactly what I'm talking about.

H - Change my physical condition by losing another 55 lbs to get to 165 lbs, upgrade my Super Deluxe Robot Leg, and start running.

I - and, of course, keep my Family number one - spending time and setting great examples for each one of my six-pack.

Once again, I'll be chronicling my adventures here, drawing back the curtain. I may be selling things more than I have in the past, but I'll endeavor to do it in a helpful, meaningful way. In the end, I want to help as many people as possible through my own talents and insights, and those I've garnered from others over the years.

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Do you have any choices that have been difficult to make lately? Do you have some choices you're afraid to make? Do you have goals you'd like to make public? Do it here, either in the comments, or by writing a guest blog post. Think I'm nuts? Again, feel free to comment, or write a guest blog post. 

I challenge you to keep going after your true successes - even when it seems the most illogical thing in the world to everyone around you. You are the one who has to live with your decisions - and you have the ability to affect your results more powerfully than those in the outside world. 

Consider the gauntlet thrown. You don't have to quit your job - but you do need to vigorously pursue the life you want now, before life passes you by. Become a Champion of Choice!

What is Your Personal Choice Foundation?

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock." (Jesus Christ speaking from the NIV translation of the Holy Bible  (©1984) )


Are your Choices built upon the rock or the sand? How sound is your Choice Foundation? Do you know what your Personal Choice Foundation is?

Choices are made based on a myriad of different factors, including urgency, cost, emotion, logic, attitude, and physical state. The balancing act is imperfect, and leads to many choices we regret fairly soon after making it. We give one factor too much weight, or forget to factor in something else until its too late.

Say, when you got that big tax refund, walked into Best Buy, and bought that $3,000 55", flatscreen, high-definition television, and the sound system, PS3, and blueray player to go with it. The money may have created an urgency in you to spend it before you nickel and dimed it away on silly things like bills - a seemingly logical argument your emotions and physical state (which are anxious for the joy, satisfaction, and even physical rush which comes from large purchases) use to get you bypass cost altogether, much less other emotions about your family, your otherwise logical approach to family finances, and instead plays on your attitude of self-deservedness and entitlement.

None of these factors really went through your mind though, consciously. If they had, you wouldn't be regretting it right now as you look at the family budget, and realize Sally has dance lessons coming up and Bobby wants to join Scouts, and all you can do is tell them to stay home and play Lego Star Wars instead.

How do you control your choices? By creating a Personal Choice Foundation. By building a conscious list of values in your mind that guide your decisions. A list so strong you think about it BEFORE you choose, not afterwards.

I can't tell you what your foundation should be - that is YOUR Choice, fellow Champion. What your foundation will be should be based on your needs, your situation, your hopes and dreams - not anyone else's.

How you build that foundation, however, will also largely determine the overall results of your choices, and how your feel about them after the fact. Perhaps buying the TV, speakers, and gaming system fits your foundation perfectly and you have no regrets. Perhaps your PCF (Personal Choice Foundation) determines that you must go value shopping - finding that TV, speaker system, and game console at a pawn shop instead. (disclosure: I have purchased a $1200 flatscreen, HD TV for less than $400 at a pawn shop, and I still probably overpaid - this satisfied family, emotion, cost, logic, and physical state, while giving me adequate, if not spectacular, results).

The critical aspect is not necessarily how your foundation is built, but that it is built at all, and that you are consciously and intentionally building responsibly. The coolest thing about the PCF is that it isn't buried underground - based on the quality of your results, you can shift your foundations materials at any moment in time. While they don't need to be permanently flexible, malleable beyond recognition, you do want to be able to easily patch any cracks, and feel confident in shoring up your materials.

My own looks like this: family, cost, emotion, logic, physical cost or satisfaction, urgency, attitude, results. Even as I write that, I can see adjustments I might want to make.

Choose to take a moment now and list for yourself the factors in your Personal Choice Foundation - then actively and intentionally apply them to all all your choices in the next 48 hours. You'll quickly start noticing how your choices become more interesting and focused - whether you're buying a TV, ordering lunch, or even participating in a discussion with your spouse.

If you want to publicly declare, describe, and even defend your PCF, and share your 48 hour results - please do, in the comments below. AND - if you have additional factors you use in decision-making, please share with the rest of us.

How Do You Stand?

Picture credit - Greg Tarlin 

We live in a world of individual thoughts that are often warped, twisted, directed, and otherwise constrained to think one way vs. another. In fact, that very statement is written with the intent to get you to believe exactly what it says - but you may not! You may vehemently disagree!

Perhaps you'll comment below. Maybe drop me an email. Or just mutter under your breath 'that Hopkins guy is at it again'.

Whether its my relatively innocuous sentence above (again, emotional, opinion-charged terminology), or issues such as politics, morals, religion, sports, speaking, entertainment, whatever - I challenge you to actively have an opinion about those parts of life you care about, and be willing to communicate them.

We choose our opinions, and we can choose how we share them - but if no one know what our opinions are, how will anyone know? We can show them by writing, by talking, by contributing money, by simply walking the walk of someone with an opinion.

Many of us are great at sharing our opinions, especially the speakers among us. But its also easy NOT to share. To avoid being disagreed with or being proven wrong (which is also an avoidance of learning something NEW).

Our opinion is just that - but our perspective on the world, especially in today's world of social media, can carry as much weight as President Obama, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, et al, depending on who we're talking to, how we say it, and how we market it.

Taking a stand, making an outward declaration as a Champion of Choice - someone who knows what and why they are doing something, will separate you from the crowd, and allow you to be heard. Even if you agree with the majority, just by making the declaration, you will be steps above your competition.

Whether you're a contrarian or a mainstream thinker, choose to take a stand - and HOW to take a stand - within your self-defined life - and watch as your family, your friends, and eventually the world raises their head to hear what you have to say.

Does Old Success Adage Still Ring True?

I was challenged last week about the adage Rory Vaden uses in his Take the Stairs program - an adage that has been around the motivational speaking industry longer than Rory or I or any of us, perhaps, have been living. The saying goes "Successful people do what others will not do."

The contention was that people in low-level jobs, such as housekeeping, trash collection, waitresses, etc., do things others will not do and they are not necessarily successful. Very true - but a thought process not necessarily in line with the spirit of the adage. Mass-murderers also do what others will not do, and they wouldn't be considered a success by the world's standards. At the same time, some of these people may perceive themselves as wonderfully successful, depending on their perspective of success - whether they're washing dishes or disposing victims.

The spirit of the adage, in my mind, is "Successful People do things that make them successful that others will not do." Often, we can look at a successful person's life and see that what they've done isn't so far out of our ability to do, but rather out of our comfort zone or the definition of ourselves we've built over the years.

There are two main thoughts that come to me out of the debate I've been having over this issue in my mind.

1. Success is what we define it as, on an individual basis.
2. Success doesn't come from doing from what others won't in every case.

Which leads me to this conclusion:

Succes is reached by those who do what others who haven't achieved that success will not do, regardless of what the definition of success is. Which means we must define success for ourselves, then find what it takes to get there, and do those things. The adage itself works in a very comparative sense that way - if two people are faced with an identical task, and one is willing to work in a way that accomplishes it better than the other, the adage fits well. Even in this case, two people with the same task can accomplish it with equal results in completely different ways, which, rather than disproving the adage merely gives it more channels with which to operate.

What is success to you? Is it based in money? Family? Spiritual meaning? Freedom? Looks? Sex? Joy? Usually its a combination of all of those things and more, to one degree or another. I know I have felt more successful at times when I've made less money and spent more time with my family than the inverse.

Define your own success. Then do what it takes to get there, whether others are doing it or not. In the end, the only one to judge if you are a success or not, and be right, is you.

Anne Took the Stairs

Photo taken by me at Tgeregt Restaurant - our first dinner.

My friend and fellow speaker Rory Vaden promotes his program Take the Stairs, encouraging people to realize hard work is what's behind success, and the more challenging route can be more rewarding. Rory knows his stuff, and I believe in what he's saying

But for me, taking the stairs means slow arduous treks and gasping for air, which isn't the impression I want to leave once I get to the top. I need to take a few 1000 stair steppers first, drop another 30 lbs, and get my back back in shape.

Being in Europe this week, I find myself faced with lots of stairs, mini steps, spiral staircases, uneven brick roads, and bicycles, motorbikes, and cars racing along the same track I'm often attempting to walk upon. The Anne Frank Haus has many stairs, narrow, skinny stairs that go forever upwards, it seems. Heading back down on the museum side isn't much better, as they are part spriral themselves.

I was faced with a choice. I could say I went to the Anne Frank Haus knowing all I did was go to the museum, or I could tough it out and head upward, and upward, and upward. And it was worth it. Seeing the artifacts, watching the videos of the times and some survivors, going behind the bookcase that hid them for so long - an amazing experience if you ever get the chance.

What hit me hardest, though, was seeing the room she was in - covered with pictures of movie stars and people she aspired to become like when she grew up. Pictures not unlike any young girl would save, in those days and these days. Anna's diary was one of hope - that she would become a famous journalist. I'm just sorry she never saw how she turned out to be one of the most famous journalists of all.

Anna chose to take the stairs - she made choices unimaginable for girls her age all in the name of survival. The least I could do was take the stairs to witness it. I'm still not quite willing to choose the stairs 100% of the time. But I'm going to choose not to let stairs be the obstacle between me and my future, actually or metaphorically.

Do you have stairs to climb?

Another Month Gone By - Almost

I'm now fully invested in my new career, having gone through the first six weeks with fair success and a bit of a promotion/vote of confidence from my employer.

What has gone by the wayside in this time, despite my intentions, has been this blog, Speak & Deliver, my wife's book, my diet, my involvement in Toastmasters, my participation with my mastermind group, and my connection with my friends via blog, Facebook, & Twitter.

That's a major change, and not one I like. While I was busy trekking around the Midwest, I found myself exhausted when I wasn't in the moments of adrenaline, setting up, speaking, tearing down and doing it all over again the next day. From Jan 29 to Feb 17 I gave 18 presentations in 7 states, stayed in 8 hotels, drove 4 rental cars and took 7 planes on four itineraries.

Not Guinness Book material, perhaps, but certainly a shock to my system. In addition to all of that, I was dealing with adjusting to a new job, new procedures, new bosses, all while trying to be a long-distance husband and father.

Whew - I get tired just writing about it.

So now I'm home - working from home, still adjusting to the new job, planning travels for March and April, figuring out how I'm going to plan my Fall speaking schedule (around 75 presentations in 20 cities over a three and a half month period), and still wanting the be the blogger, writer, speaking coach that defines who I really am.

While this job is great, and is definitely going to help my bigger dreams in the long run, I don't want it to ever define who I am, beyond someone who puts forth full effort into everything he does.

Which begs the question - can I put full effort into all facets of my life with the addition of this job, or do I need to let some things go? Do I lessen my involvement in my blogs? I already have, I guess - but really I've just been gone.

Decisions need to be made - how much time do I have to devote to being who I really am?

Weekend Update #1

The first weekend of the year is packed with activity here at the Hopkins household.

I've been working to memorize a script for an audition tape as part of one of my 'secret choices' for 2010, a tape that must be made today and delivered tomorrow. A lot more effort than I expected - its been awhile since I memorized anything word for word. A lot is potentially at stake by how well I pull this off, and the results of this choice may be known as early as this week.

I'm facing one physical issue today, and that seems to be a twisted ankle, or simply a swelled right foot. I can walk somewhat, but I'm in a lot of pain. I'm concerned about the impact this will have on the video, but I am medicating as much as possible. If push comes to shove, I may head to the ER to see if I can get something magic to allow me to perform for an hour or so standing up.

Kristi, as she's been saying over at her blog "Thriving with Neurofibromatosis", is spending the week out East for surgery at NIH. We braved the 4 am traffic to get her to the airport this morning, leaving me home for 7 days with 6 kids. The week ahead should prove adventurous!

Today is also my oldest daughter's birthday - she's now 14! She's bummed her mom is gone, and her party is delayed a few weeks, but I'm still thinking up ways to make the day special for her.

My choices today revolve around getting the script memorized, the video completed, and keeping my kids alive. Perhaps I can get some football watching in as well, but that will have to take a low priority :)

Make 2010 the Start of a Decade of Directed, Determined Choice

10 years ago today, I woke up to a world that hadn't been destroyed by Y2K, a still-fledgling marriage (less than a month old), 2 young children, and a welcome day off from working as a retail ad salesman for the Salt Lake Tribune/Deseret News. I was in Toastmasters, but didn't have any designs at that point of becoming a speaker or coach - I hadn't even competed in a contest yet.

This morning, I woke up to a world that hasn't been destroyed by terrorism, despite our worst fears, a stronger-than-ever marriage (yes, to the same woman), 6 kids, and no days off from pursuing my passions of being a speaker and coach!

The 2000's
The last 10 years have been dominated by five activities: growing my family, growing myself, physical challenges, searching for focused career goals, and competing for the World Championship of Public Speaking - with mixed results.

My family has certainly grown, in size and maturity. I married not just a wife, but her two kids, and we've added 4 more. Watching them grow and mature, seeing how they take cues from me and Kristi, it's an amazing process to nurture an individual to model behavior and determine their own.

Growing myself had never been that big a priority. I'd been sent to a seminar that featured some professional speakers, including Zig Ziglar, Peter Lowe, Mary Lou Retton, General Schwartzkopf and a couple others in the 90's, and I was vaguely aware that for a few thousand dollars I could buy tapes from a guy with big teeth named Tony that would help me Awaken The Giant Within. But it wasn't until 2001 that I actually listened to Tom Hopkins sales training (loaned to me by someone who asked if I was related to Tom). I started reading Robbins, Tracy, Covey, getting deeper and deeper into discovering the world of self-development, and the role speaking played in it. This part of my life would have a significant aspect on my career choices the rest of the decade.

My physical challenge put me into position to make a choice I never imagined having to make - trading the substandard manufacturer version of my lower left leg in for a Super Deluxe Robot Leg. Waking up in January of 2006 without being able to take a step on my long-deteriorating ankle led to a series of appointments which led to a voluntary amputation. I had other options, they just weren't good ones, in my eyes. Little did I know at the time this was the genesis of what would later become my quest to create the Champions of Choice.

My career goals of being a speaker and coach didn't become clear until 2005, but the vehicle by which I work to reach them would change often, and continues to remain in flux even now. The experiences I've had selling newspaper and magazine ads, working as a media buyer, coaching speakers, speaking to audiences on everything from competition to leadership to goal setting to speaking, and even co-writing three books have given me more experience than many would expect over a ten year period. Working for myself has been my choice the last few years, but there are opportunities for me to take my skills to the workplace, which 2010 may see me do.

I never did win the World Championship of Public Speaking, despite competing 9 out of 10 years, finishing in the Top 100 worldwide 6 out of 8 years, the Top 20 five times, and actually making it to the final competition in both 2006 and 2008, finishing 3rd in '06 (competing even while recovering from the amputation). I learned a tremendous amount from my experiences. I coached my first speaking client in 2004, helping a nervous father give a 15 minute toast at his daughter's wedding, which was taking place in a castle in Austria. I gained skill and confidence as a speaker, and realized how much I enjoyed it, eventually finding my way to paid speaking engagements in 2005, even before I made it to the finals.

The Genesis of the Champions of Choice
It took me another 3 years to realize that everything I wanted to tell people boiled down to their willingness  to choose to do them - and that if I didn't talk to people about reclaiming their power of choice, everything else could easily end up as so much blather. The Champion of Choice was born, and in its first 9 months suffered from all the pangs of babyhood as I realized I was not living up to my own standards. If you've been reading, you've witnessed the unevenness of it all!

It takes more than believing in the Power of Choice. It takes consistent Choices of Action as they relate to your Choice of Desired Results. It takes the Choice of Personal Responsibility combined with the Choice of Personal Forgiveness, followed quickly by the Choice of Persistence.

The Challenge of 2010
This year, I am choosing to take action every day to develop into a stronger Champion. I want to help as many people as possible this year Choose to take the Actions necessary to take their lives to a higher, more successful level than ever before. By the end of this year, I want 2010 success stories from 2010 different Champions of Choice. Even though I've heard from many of you over the last few months who've changed jobs, lost weight, and set new goals, 2010 sets the higher than ever.

No matter where my choices bring me (and I've got some surprise choices in the works this year), I will be leading this charge all year long. I will be blogging every day, even if its just a few lines. I will be adding features, contests, and content on a regular basis. My first choice is to continue to be open and honest about my victories and defeats, and encourage you to do the same. I've battled between the marketing angle of looking perfect vs. being real. I've been told by experts that people only want to follow those that have already reached the promised land, and I've been told by experts that people want to follow those they can identify with. In light of that, I'll simply choose to be the latter as I journey towards the former. And when I reach the promised land, you'll have taken the journey with me.

The last ten years, at least for me, have been a Decade of Education & Discovery - often by accident. The next ten will be the Decade of Directed, Determined Choice. Follow the blog, leave a comment, join the NING site - stake your Choice for all to see!