Validation - When It Doesn't Matter Enough

Yesterday I wrote about Validation - When it Matters Too Much. Today, the other side of the coin.

Can you take a compliment? When someone tells you how great you are, what do you say? More importantly, what do you THINK?

If you're like most people, you immediately downplay it externally, and may downright dismiss it internally.

"Oh, it was nothing", "It could have been better", "No, it wasn't that great" and other dismissive comments are both disrespectful to the giver of the compliment and to yourself. Even if it WAS 'nothing' (and it never is), it wasn't to the person validating you. You're also telling your brain that you aren't good enough, which means for every compliment you get, you bash yourself. This is not constructive behavior.

We are somewhat trained to be this way growing up. After all, if we reply with "Yes, I am pretty great, aren't I", we're not going to be well-received. Society tells us to be modest and unassuming. We don't respect chest beaters and self-promotion - it comes off as arrogance. But "Yes, I am pretty great, aren't I" is exactly what we need to tell ourselves -- INTERNALLY.

If we dismiss it EXTERNALLY, however, we invalidate it inside. Learn to accept validation with grace - a simple "Thank you" does wonders. I often say "Thank you, I really enjoyed sharing it" when accepting compliments for a speech. Look your supporter in the eye when you say it, to make sure you're focused on them at the time, and not busy still disagreeing with them in your head.

Its amazing how easy it is for many of us to believe criticism and negativity, and, conversely, how difficult it is to accept praise and validation. How we handle it, however, is in our control - we can choose to believe or not believe.

I've struggled over the years with this, just as I have with wanting validation. It turned into a vicious circle - seeking validation, then dismissing it simultaneously, then feeling like I wasn't getting validation at all. I can trace instances in my past where someone would tell me how great I was, and I would not only disagree with them externally and internally, I would then take actions to prove how wrong they were. Have you ever found yourself in that position? Are you willing to admit it to yourself?

We can choose to accept validation, and use it to push us upward to our next accomplishment, or we can choose to downplay praise, and spend everyday feeling like we still have to earn a status we've already achieved. Look at it this way - if someone offered to pay your parking by stamping your ticket, how often would you turn them down?

The Choice, as always, is YOURS.

Validation - When It Matters Too Much

"Atta Boy!"
"Way to GO!"
"Best Speech Ever"
"What a Great Blog Post!"

Ah, Validation. Our society thrives on validation, whether it be consumer confidence, TV ratings, performance reviews, or retweets. We're brought up on M&M's as a reward for going potty, gold stars on completed school papers, merit-based bonuses in the workplace, and now, by how many friends and followers we have, and how high our Twitscore is!

But our desire for validation can be more destructive than constructive. In fact, it can stop you in your tracks if you make it too important.

How can you tell validation is too important? Ask yourself these questions:

1. Do I always look for the 'atta boy' when I say something I think is funny or profound?
2. Am I always wondering why nobody notices what I'm doing?
3. Do I stop doing something (picking up the house, commenting in meetings, writing blog posts) when it isn't immediately complimented?
4. Do I thrive only in a competitive environment, and even then, only when I'm winning?
5. Do I spend too much time tracking followers, friends, hits, comments, and bit.ly clicks, etc.?
6. Do I spend so much time making sure I'm doing the 'right' thing that I'm actually doing NOTHING?

Saying yes, even to just a small degree, to any of these are a strong indicator that you are making other people's opinion of you more important than the most important person's opinion - Your Own.

Compliments, accolades, and awards have their place. But striving for excellence shouldn't be reliant on recognition, and failure to achieve recognition shouldn't stop us in our tracks. Until we learn to become content with our own efforts and results, outside validation will have too strong an influence on our actions.

Instead of spending an inordinate amount of time waiting for that pat on the back, learn to give it to yourself. A few ideas:

A. Train yourself to tell yourself "Good Job" regardless of whether anyone else notices.
B. Instead of waiting for accolades to come in, start working on your next project.
C. Choose to stop looking at other people's results for a set duration of time.
D. Actively start complimenting others. This will make it easier for you to compliment yourself.

Of course, I don't want to invalidate validation, or the value of feedback. Certainly, knowing people like what we are doing can be vital to doing business. But if our desire for it stops us from doing business at all, its importance is out of proportion.

I'll be honest - I struggle with validation. I have to say I can answer, to some degree, yes to all those questions I posed to you. But I'm getting better - and I'm seeing interesting results.

The less I worry about validation, the more I receive. So go do what you do, and let the world watch. When they're ready to validate, be ready to deal with it.

Wanting it too much is bad enough - sometimes getting it can be even worse. Tomorrow I'll talk about what to do next.

No One Has The Same Truth

This statement has led me to several philosophical discussions over the last few weeks.

I shared "No One Has The Same Truth" on Facebook, and it turned into a four hour debate over whether 2 + 2 is four. Interesting, certainly, to battle that particular battle, and a bit pointless. Is 2 + 2 = 4 a 'truth' or a 'result'? If I think of this problem, do I even see it in my head the same way you do, from the font we picture the numbers written in, to the items we're counting, to the method of adding?

Still, for the sake of expediency, I grant you that the answer is four, and that few people would legitimately say otherwise.

But does that mean the statement 'No One Has The Same Truth" is wrong? Depends on your definition of Truth. For me, Truth goes beyond a basic fact, and into a realm of greater perception.

For example, what does 'Fast' mean? Depends, doesn't it? On what you're used to, on the vehicle, on the weather, on the terrain. Assuming you're even applying the term to travel. You might have thought I meant it in terms of work or problem-solving or even abstaining from food.

No One Has The Same Truth because none of us have shared exactly the same experiences.

More important than debating this issue is what accepting this as Truth (ironically enough) can do for us as individuals. It frees us to feel whatever way we want to about anything. If something 'bad' happens, we don't have to automatically consider it bad. We can accept that there are other Truths about the event that we could accept and act on accordingly.

Would that be a helpful emotional tool to you the next time your car battery dies on you, or the next time you get laid off?

It also allows us to understand other people better. How many times in your life have you dealt with the frustration of thinking "they just don't get it!" or "I can't believe they think that"? How many times have you wondered why someone else was upset with you, and doubted the validity of their feelings once you found them out?

That anger and frustration can waste a tremendous amount of our time and energy. When we accept that 'No One Has The Same Truth', it becomes easier for us to move beyond a need to change the other person, and move towards changing our own approach with the other person, based on our understanding that we simply don't share the same Truth.

Where it may be most helpful, though, is how we look at ourselves. From the minute we're born, we react to outside stimula - and learn to judge ourselves through other people's Truth. Our entire self-image is dramatically affected by whose Truth we accept in our lives. If you had supportive, positive parents, you likely feel confident and self-assured. If you were beaten or otherwise mistreated, your Truth will likely be one of lower value than others around you. While I hear you thinking "these are generalizations, not Truths", stick with me, because that is exactly the point.

Once we realize that we control our Truth, we can choose to change it. If we had a lousy Dad and we grew up believing that we weren't worth their love, we can change that Truth to something else - anything else, frankly, that allows us to move on in a more positive direction. Maybe that Truth is that he wasn't mature enough, and that's not my issue, that's his. Maybe it's my parents were better off apart and he wouldn't have been good for me anyway, and that's their issue, not mine. Maybe it's that he was abducted by aliens, and its their fault, not yours OR his.

Whatever allows us to move on in a direction we want to go is a helpful Truth, as long as it doesn't lead us to hurting others. Depending on your definition of hurting others, I suppose - which brings us back to the circular argument, and where too many of us stay for too long instead of recognizing the power of being in control of our Truth.

The 'Truth' that 'No One Has The Same Truth' can be used for good or evil. Truth has always served those who so declare it to be Truth.

All I'm saying, and now applying daily, is that we can use our own 'Truth' to get us where we want to go instead of relying on other people's 'Truth' to validate our lives.

Do you think you can sell real estate, even in a bad economy? Do you think Internet Marketing is a scam? Do you believe you're not someone who can get in front of an audience and speak? Think about these and other statements, then ask yourself - "Who's Truth is This?"

There are people making money in real estate right now, and others are going broke. There are those losing money in Internet Marketing, others making a killing. There are people just like you speaking in front of audiences everyday. Whose Truth are you going to make yours? Can you conceive of creating a new truth just for you and your goals?

I watched four formerly morbidly obese people change their truth by running a marathon on the Biggest Loser two nights ago. Aron Ralston changed his 'Truth' from 'you don't want to cut off your own arm' (a widely shared belief), to 'I must cut off my own arm'. My wife changed her 'Truth' from 'Neurofibromatosis is a family curse sent by God' to 'Thriving with Neurofibromatosis'.

Once you learn to form your own Truths, believe in them, and act on them, your life cannot help but to reflect them. Choose your Truth - and you'll Choose your Life.

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Just Keep Swimming!

Right before I went to Disneyworld on Nov. 14th with my family for a week, I managed to get my email box down to ZERO. An amazing feat for me.

My habit is to keep 75-100 emails, with a goal of 50, the most I can see on the screen at once in g-Mail with my current settings. I had emails from 2008 sitting in the bottom, filled with testimonials about my speaking coaching that I kept saying I'd get on my website and never did. I still haven't, but I've at least copied the info to another spot on my hard-drive, and filed that email away. I think that was progress.

So I'm gone for a week, and deliberately didn't check email, blog, etc. the entire time. Not that anyone noticed, because I've been pathetic at keeping up with my blogging for awhile now. I'd say I'm CHOOSING to change that, but I'd rather, at this point, shut up and just do it, and talk about the choice later.

Coming back from Orlando, I find just over 500 messages in the inbox. The breakdown was about 20 percent Twitter notifications, 20 percent newsletters, 10 percent personal, and 50 percent Internet Marketing opportunities I've been looking into the last few months. I think the most common name was Matt Bacak.

Two weeks later, I'm still at about 350 messages, because I've told myself I want to pay close attention to those internet messages and take some action. Those two weeks have been filled with so many other projects though - finishing, proofing, and marketing Thriving with Neurofibromatosis, the Thanksgiving Holiday, and staying in the top third of my Fantasy Football pool.

So now, do I just delete them all and start over? I'm sure in a week I could fill it up again. But what amazing opportunity will I miss? It's amazing how too many opportunities can turn into none when we let them paralyze us, or just overwhelm us.

That's probably been my biggest obstacle since declaring the initial Champion of Choice Challenge - too many opportunities. Crazy. Should I pursue speaking, coaching, writing, blogging, marketing - how much of each - or should I take some speaking job with a company willing to fly me everywhere? I made ALL of those choices over the last year, and while I've added a tremendous amount of experiences to my life and helped my wife write her book, I can't say I've done as much as I'd like to, or yielded the results I'd hoped.

It's at this point I feel a bit like Marlin and Dory in their search for Little Nemo - I tell myself "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." And I do, and I will. Without swimming, I'd of missed a tremendous amount of opportunites over the last 18 months. I just want to swim with even more purpose than before.

So today, among other things, like my daugter's doc appointment, I'll be swimming through all those emails - and tomorrow, my email account will be back down to zero, and I'll have either found some great opportunities, or I'll at least have a clean box to catch the next ones.

What are you going to do with all your opportunities today?