Validation - When It Doesn't Matter Enough

Yesterday I wrote about Validation - When it Matters Too Much. Today, the other side of the coin.

Can you take a compliment? When someone tells you how great you are, what do you say? More importantly, what do you THINK?

If you're like most people, you immediately downplay it externally, and may downright dismiss it internally.

"Oh, it was nothing", "It could have been better", "No, it wasn't that great" and other dismissive comments are both disrespectful to the giver of the compliment and to yourself. Even if it WAS 'nothing' (and it never is), it wasn't to the person validating you. You're also telling your brain that you aren't good enough, which means for every compliment you get, you bash yourself. This is not constructive behavior.

We are somewhat trained to be this way growing up. After all, if we reply with "Yes, I am pretty great, aren't I", we're not going to be well-received. Society tells us to be modest and unassuming. We don't respect chest beaters and self-promotion - it comes off as arrogance. But "Yes, I am pretty great, aren't I" is exactly what we need to tell ourselves -- INTERNALLY.

If we dismiss it EXTERNALLY, however, we invalidate it inside. Learn to accept validation with grace - a simple "Thank you" does wonders. I often say "Thank you, I really enjoyed sharing it" when accepting compliments for a speech. Look your supporter in the eye when you say it, to make sure you're focused on them at the time, and not busy still disagreeing with them in your head.

Its amazing how easy it is for many of us to believe criticism and negativity, and, conversely, how difficult it is to accept praise and validation. How we handle it, however, is in our control - we can choose to believe or not believe.

I've struggled over the years with this, just as I have with wanting validation. It turned into a vicious circle - seeking validation, then dismissing it simultaneously, then feeling like I wasn't getting validation at all. I can trace instances in my past where someone would tell me how great I was, and I would not only disagree with them externally and internally, I would then take actions to prove how wrong they were. Have you ever found yourself in that position? Are you willing to admit it to yourself?

We can choose to accept validation, and use it to push us upward to our next accomplishment, or we can choose to downplay praise, and spend everyday feeling like we still have to earn a status we've already achieved. Look at it this way - if someone offered to pay your parking by stamping your ticket, how often would you turn them down?

The Choice, as always, is YOURS.

Validation - When It Matters Too Much

"Atta Boy!"
"Way to GO!"
"Best Speech Ever"
"What a Great Blog Post!"

Ah, Validation. Our society thrives on validation, whether it be consumer confidence, TV ratings, performance reviews, or retweets. We're brought up on M&M's as a reward for going potty, gold stars on completed school papers, merit-based bonuses in the workplace, and now, by how many friends and followers we have, and how high our Twitscore is!

But our desire for validation can be more destructive than constructive. In fact, it can stop you in your tracks if you make it too important.

How can you tell validation is too important? Ask yourself these questions:

1. Do I always look for the 'atta boy' when I say something I think is funny or profound?
2. Am I always wondering why nobody notices what I'm doing?
3. Do I stop doing something (picking up the house, commenting in meetings, writing blog posts) when it isn't immediately complimented?
4. Do I thrive only in a competitive environment, and even then, only when I'm winning?
5. Do I spend too much time tracking followers, friends, hits, comments, and bit.ly clicks, etc.?
6. Do I spend so much time making sure I'm doing the 'right' thing that I'm actually doing NOTHING?

Saying yes, even to just a small degree, to any of these are a strong indicator that you are making other people's opinion of you more important than the most important person's opinion - Your Own.

Compliments, accolades, and awards have their place. But striving for excellence shouldn't be reliant on recognition, and failure to achieve recognition shouldn't stop us in our tracks. Until we learn to become content with our own efforts and results, outside validation will have too strong an influence on our actions.

Instead of spending an inordinate amount of time waiting for that pat on the back, learn to give it to yourself. A few ideas:

A. Train yourself to tell yourself "Good Job" regardless of whether anyone else notices.
B. Instead of waiting for accolades to come in, start working on your next project.
C. Choose to stop looking at other people's results for a set duration of time.
D. Actively start complimenting others. This will make it easier for you to compliment yourself.

Of course, I don't want to invalidate validation, or the value of feedback. Certainly, knowing people like what we are doing can be vital to doing business. But if our desire for it stops us from doing business at all, its importance is out of proportion.

I'll be honest - I struggle with validation. I have to say I can answer, to some degree, yes to all those questions I posed to you. But I'm getting better - and I'm seeing interesting results.

The less I worry about validation, the more I receive. So go do what you do, and let the world watch. When they're ready to validate, be ready to deal with it.

Wanting it too much is bad enough - sometimes getting it can be even worse. Tomorrow I'll talk about what to do next.

No One Has The Same Truth

This statement has led me to several philosophical discussions over the last few weeks.

I shared "No One Has The Same Truth" on Facebook, and it turned into a four hour debate over whether 2 + 2 is four. Interesting, certainly, to battle that particular battle, and a bit pointless. Is 2 + 2 = 4 a 'truth' or a 'result'? If I think of this problem, do I even see it in my head the same way you do, from the font we picture the numbers written in, to the items we're counting, to the method of adding?

Still, for the sake of expediency, I grant you that the answer is four, and that few people would legitimately say otherwise.

But does that mean the statement 'No One Has The Same Truth" is wrong? Depends on your definition of Truth. For me, Truth goes beyond a basic fact, and into a realm of greater perception.

For example, what does 'Fast' mean? Depends, doesn't it? On what you're used to, on the vehicle, on the weather, on the terrain. Assuming you're even applying the term to travel. You might have thought I meant it in terms of work or problem-solving or even abstaining from food.

No One Has The Same Truth because none of us have shared exactly the same experiences.

More important than debating this issue is what accepting this as Truth (ironically enough) can do for us as individuals. It frees us to feel whatever way we want to about anything. If something 'bad' happens, we don't have to automatically consider it bad. We can accept that there are other Truths about the event that we could accept and act on accordingly.

Would that be a helpful emotional tool to you the next time your car battery dies on you, or the next time you get laid off?

It also allows us to understand other people better. How many times in your life have you dealt with the frustration of thinking "they just don't get it!" or "I can't believe they think that"? How many times have you wondered why someone else was upset with you, and doubted the validity of their feelings once you found them out?

That anger and frustration can waste a tremendous amount of our time and energy. When we accept that 'No One Has The Same Truth', it becomes easier for us to move beyond a need to change the other person, and move towards changing our own approach with the other person, based on our understanding that we simply don't share the same Truth.

Where it may be most helpful, though, is how we look at ourselves. From the minute we're born, we react to outside stimula - and learn to judge ourselves through other people's Truth. Our entire self-image is dramatically affected by whose Truth we accept in our lives. If you had supportive, positive parents, you likely feel confident and self-assured. If you were beaten or otherwise mistreated, your Truth will likely be one of lower value than others around you. While I hear you thinking "these are generalizations, not Truths", stick with me, because that is exactly the point.

Once we realize that we control our Truth, we can choose to change it. If we had a lousy Dad and we grew up believing that we weren't worth their love, we can change that Truth to something else - anything else, frankly, that allows us to move on in a more positive direction. Maybe that Truth is that he wasn't mature enough, and that's not my issue, that's his. Maybe it's my parents were better off apart and he wouldn't have been good for me anyway, and that's their issue, not mine. Maybe it's that he was abducted by aliens, and its their fault, not yours OR his.

Whatever allows us to move on in a direction we want to go is a helpful Truth, as long as it doesn't lead us to hurting others. Depending on your definition of hurting others, I suppose - which brings us back to the circular argument, and where too many of us stay for too long instead of recognizing the power of being in control of our Truth.

The 'Truth' that 'No One Has The Same Truth' can be used for good or evil. Truth has always served those who so declare it to be Truth.

All I'm saying, and now applying daily, is that we can use our own 'Truth' to get us where we want to go instead of relying on other people's 'Truth' to validate our lives.

Do you think you can sell real estate, even in a bad economy? Do you think Internet Marketing is a scam? Do you believe you're not someone who can get in front of an audience and speak? Think about these and other statements, then ask yourself - "Who's Truth is This?"

There are people making money in real estate right now, and others are going broke. There are those losing money in Internet Marketing, others making a killing. There are people just like you speaking in front of audiences everyday. Whose Truth are you going to make yours? Can you conceive of creating a new truth just for you and your goals?

I watched four formerly morbidly obese people change their truth by running a marathon on the Biggest Loser two nights ago. Aron Ralston changed his 'Truth' from 'you don't want to cut off your own arm' (a widely shared belief), to 'I must cut off my own arm'. My wife changed her 'Truth' from 'Neurofibromatosis is a family curse sent by God' to 'Thriving with Neurofibromatosis'.

Once you learn to form your own Truths, believe in them, and act on them, your life cannot help but to reflect them. Choose your Truth - and you'll Choose your Life.

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Just Keep Swimming!

Right before I went to Disneyworld on Nov. 14th with my family for a week, I managed to get my email box down to ZERO. An amazing feat for me.

My habit is to keep 75-100 emails, with a goal of 50, the most I can see on the screen at once in g-Mail with my current settings. I had emails from 2008 sitting in the bottom, filled with testimonials about my speaking coaching that I kept saying I'd get on my website and never did. I still haven't, but I've at least copied the info to another spot on my hard-drive, and filed that email away. I think that was progress.

So I'm gone for a week, and deliberately didn't check email, blog, etc. the entire time. Not that anyone noticed, because I've been pathetic at keeping up with my blogging for awhile now. I'd say I'm CHOOSING to change that, but I'd rather, at this point, shut up and just do it, and talk about the choice later.

Coming back from Orlando, I find just over 500 messages in the inbox. The breakdown was about 20 percent Twitter notifications, 20 percent newsletters, 10 percent personal, and 50 percent Internet Marketing opportunities I've been looking into the last few months. I think the most common name was Matt Bacak.

Two weeks later, I'm still at about 350 messages, because I've told myself I want to pay close attention to those internet messages and take some action. Those two weeks have been filled with so many other projects though - finishing, proofing, and marketing Thriving with Neurofibromatosis, the Thanksgiving Holiday, and staying in the top third of my Fantasy Football pool.

So now, do I just delete them all and start over? I'm sure in a week I could fill it up again. But what amazing opportunity will I miss? It's amazing how too many opportunities can turn into none when we let them paralyze us, or just overwhelm us.

That's probably been my biggest obstacle since declaring the initial Champion of Choice Challenge - too many opportunities. Crazy. Should I pursue speaking, coaching, writing, blogging, marketing - how much of each - or should I take some speaking job with a company willing to fly me everywhere? I made ALL of those choices over the last year, and while I've added a tremendous amount of experiences to my life and helped my wife write her book, I can't say I've done as much as I'd like to, or yielded the results I'd hoped.

It's at this point I feel a bit like Marlin and Dory in their search for Little Nemo - I tell myself "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." And I do, and I will. Without swimming, I'd of missed a tremendous amount of opportunites over the last 18 months. I just want to swim with even more purpose than before.

So today, among other things, like my daugter's doc appointment, I'll be swimming through all those emails - and tomorrow, my email account will be back down to zero, and I'll have either found some great opportunities, or I'll at least have a clean box to catch the next ones.

What are you going to do with all your opportunities today?

Thriving with Neurofibromatosis

For the past 22 months, my wife has been blogging about Thriving with Neurofibromatosis - a genetic condition that creates tumors externally and internally, resulting in a wide range of issues for those who have it. In some, large tumors grown on the outside, causing physical deformations. For others, tumors do their damage on the inside, affecting their spine, vision or hearing. Tumors can be benign or cancerous. The disorder is progressive, leaving its victims in a state of uncertainty throughout their lives, as they wonder how it will manifest in their bodies from day to day.

Neurofibromatosis (NF) is one of the most common genetic disorders in existence, yet one of the least talked about. Those with NF often hide the fact when possible, or if they are unable to hide the effects, hide themselves. It can be inherited, or spontaneously mutate at birth, and it affects 1 in 3000 worldwide.

The Children's Tumor Foundation is devoted to finding a 'cure' for NF - though the only real cure is isolating and altering the gene sequence. They are also searching for effective treatment plans for the many symptoms of the disorder.

Kristi and our three of our children have NF. Rachel may be losing her vision in the next 10 years. Bailey could lose hearing, and significant muscle control in her face. Braden may never reach a point where he is able to live outside the home without adult supervision. The four of them all have the same disorder, but are all affected in very different ways.

Click Here to Purchase!

For the last year, and with an intense burst these last three weeks, Kristi has written a biographical account of her life living with NF, and her choice to go beyond living with it, and begin a life of Thriving with NF. She has connected with thousands of people with NF around the world, and hopes to reach out with these words of encouragement for them. Depression is one of the most common factors of this disorder, and is only made worse by NF's unpredictable effects.

Thriving is an option for all of us, whether we have NF, MS, cancer, amputated limbs, or simply hate our lives. What Kristi has learned goes beyond NF, and has changed her outlook completely as she works to create a Thriving attitude within our family, the NF community, and the world around her.

This book has been a labor of love for both of us. I have been focused on helping her get her words on paper the last three weeks, as well as designing, editing, and preparing it for publication, which is why I have not been blogging for the last month. Finishing this book, however, was one of my big goals when I left my last position of employment - so it is a victory for both of us to have it now available for sale.

The book is available now, and will be shipped by mid-December. Click HERE for your copy. NF or no, Thriving is essential to all of us.

As my wife would say - Thrive On!

Trust.

photo by Tela Chhe

Learning to walk is never easy. As infants, we start with blind trust as we imitate those older than us and attempt to get on our feet. With the first fall, we begin learning NOT to trust.

Falling hurts. Don't trust the concrete. Don't trust the end table corner. Don't trust whatever it is I just tripped on, leaving my face a half inch deep in blue shag carpet.

Mommy - I can trust Mommy. She'll catch me. If she's not making dinner, cleaning the table, or running that loud machine in the living room that seems intent on chasing me all over the house.

Eventually, we learn to trust ourselves, our own strength and balance, and walking becomes second nature.

For me, I had to learn to walk twice. Once the regular way, then, for the second time, 38 years later. When my left ankle ceased to operate without pain, I took the upgrade option, allowing doctors to lop off my left leg about five inches below my left knee. This meant 6 weeks in bed, followed by the fitting of a prosthetic leg.

There are a lot of factors involved with learning to walk after a procedure like this. For me, I was relatively lucky. No catastrophic injury, so my remaining leg was healthy, the stump smooth and uniform. I was healthy, if a bit overweight, and I had some incentive - I was due to compete in the 2006 World Championship of Public Speaking 8 weeks after being given my first new leg. I wanted to walk across that stage if at all possible - and walk without worry.

Just as I did as a one-year-old, I went through a testing process, learning to trust all over again. To trust that my leg wouldn't hurt when I walked. That I was putting the new leg on correctly. That it wouldn't fall off, buckle under my weight, or slip out from under me. I had to take a leap of faith - trust in something that I couldn't verify ahead of time, since I couldn't feel where my new foot was. I spent many days falling forward, falling backward, totally focused on the leg, instead of walking.

It wasn't until I chose to trust the prosthetic that I began to walk as I had before. To focus on the goal and trust I had the process in place to get me there.

It's easy to spend life looking for better and better processes. Faster, more reliable technology. The next big thing. The silver bullet, sure-fire system to fame and fortune. Is it easier to focus on the method instead of the goal? Do we feel we have control over methods, but not the results?

Certainly, finding a good system/process/prosthetic is important. But there comes a point when we need to Trust in the process we've given ourselves, instead of waiting for something better. To focus on where we're going more than how we're getting there. You rarely get where you're wanting to go by focusing on your toes, synthetic or otherwise.

Trust is a good thing - and remember - after you learned to walk - you learned to RUN.

If It Were Easy, It Wouldn't Be A Challenge.

Photo by BKM_BR

Are you equipped for the Challenge, or is your tread wearing thin?

25 days ago, I threw down the gauntlet. 12 days ago, I asked for feedback. It's been suggested that The Champion of Choice Challenge is less than powerful, and that I should dump it altogether.

The beginning of the Champion of Choice concept itself was Spring of 2009 - I was looking for a 'tagline' of sorts to help people know who I am and what I talk about. I wanted to be that "Champion of Choice Guy", since the core of most of my talks is personal choice, power, and responsibility. Turning it into a challenge seemed a logical choice as well, if a bit risky. The original method was daily videos talking about what I wanted to achieve each day, and how well I did. The videos stopped the day I got feedback that my videos were getting repetitive.

I've had multiple reboots of the Challenge - I'm in the midst of 4.0 at the moment.

I've put in a lot of thought over the last 12 days about the future of this blog, and the Champion of Choice concept. From a marketing standpoint, I think I'm better off simply being me - Rich Hopkins. There are very few speakers that are known by monikers other than their names - Scott the Nametag Guy, comes to mind, as does Steve Siebold, the 'Mental Toughness Guy', but only Scott really markets himself that way. Zig is Zig, Jeanne Robertson is Jeanne Robertson, Les Brown is Les Brown. A gimmick simply isn't necessary. If anything, my Speak & Deliver brand, which goes with the coaching side of my business, has grown more quickly, and offers more recognition.

What is the goal of being a Champion of Choice, anyway? What is the goal of the Challenge?

Success. Personal success, be it spiritual, physical, financial, professional, relational, emotional, or any combination of the above. Self-Defined Success. Success that relies on our personal definition of it, instead what the world insists success should be for each of us.

Self-Defined Success is a result I've been pursuing my whole life. Working not to worry about other people's opinions of me, be it kids in school that made fun of me for the way I walked and ran, or pursuing the type of career and family I wanted whether my family or friends understood and supported it or not.

It isn't easy. Judgments come everyday, both external and internal. Either can freeze us in our tracks, and make us want to ease back into the easy fitting roles that will allow us to be accepted and approved of by others, instead of sticking to our guns and learning to approve of ourselves based on our own criteria.

It doesn't mean living in a complete vacuum. Feedback is important - and more important is how we handle the feedback. Instead of making my videos more interesting last year, I went to written posts. Instead of trusting my strategy, I took a job that wasn't right for me, despite some of the positives that came out of it. (Even wrong choices can have positive results if you make right choices within them).

My choices this fall continue to be questioned by the world, and I often find myself questioning them as well, out of fear. This is the same fear that keeps many of us in our boxes, afraid to do what we really want to with our lives, and settling for less success than we are capable of achieving.

If it were easy, it wouldn't be a Challenge. The Challenge continues. What will not continue is my branding effort to be 'The Champion of Choice'. I've always felt that particular moniker is a bit egotistical sounding, a bit cheesy. Maybe I could have made it a successful synonym for me, if I truly believed in it, but I simply don't. What I really believe in is the concept of being a Self-Defined Success, and that being a Champion of Choice will get us there.

Self-Defined Success will now be the prevalent theme, combined with Champion of Choice, but headlined by my own identity.

Why would I put this thought process here for all to see? Same reasons I always have - to be transparent and to potentially help you as you face difficult choices of your own. Besides, some of the fun of four-wheeling is looking at the dirt you've kicked up onto your truck. Self-Defined Success doesn't come always easily, and being a Champion of Choice is a daily challenge.

Watch for changes here - but more importantly, be willing to make changes in your own approaches, if you find yourself running into rough roads on your way to your goal. You don't have to give up - you may just need to upgrade your tires.