Validation - When It Doesn't Matter Enough

Yesterday I wrote about Validation - When it Matters Too Much. Today, the other side of the coin.

Can you take a compliment? When someone tells you how great you are, what do you say? More importantly, what do you THINK?

If you're like most people, you immediately downplay it externally, and may downright dismiss it internally.

"Oh, it was nothing", "It could have been better", "No, it wasn't that great" and other dismissive comments are both disrespectful to the giver of the compliment and to yourself. Even if it WAS 'nothing' (and it never is), it wasn't to the person validating you. You're also telling your brain that you aren't good enough, which means for every compliment you get, you bash yourself. This is not constructive behavior.

We are somewhat trained to be this way growing up. After all, if we reply with "Yes, I am pretty great, aren't I", we're not going to be well-received. Society tells us to be modest and unassuming. We don't respect chest beaters and self-promotion - it comes off as arrogance. But "Yes, I am pretty great, aren't I" is exactly what we need to tell ourselves -- INTERNALLY.

If we dismiss it EXTERNALLY, however, we invalidate it inside. Learn to accept validation with grace - a simple "Thank you" does wonders. I often say "Thank you, I really enjoyed sharing it" when accepting compliments for a speech. Look your supporter in the eye when you say it, to make sure you're focused on them at the time, and not busy still disagreeing with them in your head.

Its amazing how easy it is for many of us to believe criticism and negativity, and, conversely, how difficult it is to accept praise and validation. How we handle it, however, is in our control - we can choose to believe or not believe.

I've struggled over the years with this, just as I have with wanting validation. It turned into a vicious circle - seeking validation, then dismissing it simultaneously, then feeling like I wasn't getting validation at all. I can trace instances in my past where someone would tell me how great I was, and I would not only disagree with them externally and internally, I would then take actions to prove how wrong they were. Have you ever found yourself in that position? Are you willing to admit it to yourself?

We can choose to accept validation, and use it to push us upward to our next accomplishment, or we can choose to downplay praise, and spend everyday feeling like we still have to earn a status we've already achieved. Look at it this way - if someone offered to pay your parking by stamping your ticket, how often would you turn them down?

The Choice, as always, is YOURS.

Validation - When It Matters Too Much

"Atta Boy!"
"Way to GO!"
"Best Speech Ever"
"What a Great Blog Post!"

Ah, Validation. Our society thrives on validation, whether it be consumer confidence, TV ratings, performance reviews, or retweets. We're brought up on M&M's as a reward for going potty, gold stars on completed school papers, merit-based bonuses in the workplace, and now, by how many friends and followers we have, and how high our Twitscore is!

But our desire for validation can be more destructive than constructive. In fact, it can stop you in your tracks if you make it too important.

How can you tell validation is too important? Ask yourself these questions:

1. Do I always look for the 'atta boy' when I say something I think is funny or profound?
2. Am I always wondering why nobody notices what I'm doing?
3. Do I stop doing something (picking up the house, commenting in meetings, writing blog posts) when it isn't immediately complimented?
4. Do I thrive only in a competitive environment, and even then, only when I'm winning?
5. Do I spend too much time tracking followers, friends, hits, comments, and bit.ly clicks, etc.?
6. Do I spend so much time making sure I'm doing the 'right' thing that I'm actually doing NOTHING?

Saying yes, even to just a small degree, to any of these are a strong indicator that you are making other people's opinion of you more important than the most important person's opinion - Your Own.

Compliments, accolades, and awards have their place. But striving for excellence shouldn't be reliant on recognition, and failure to achieve recognition shouldn't stop us in our tracks. Until we learn to become content with our own efforts and results, outside validation will have too strong an influence on our actions.

Instead of spending an inordinate amount of time waiting for that pat on the back, learn to give it to yourself. A few ideas:

A. Train yourself to tell yourself "Good Job" regardless of whether anyone else notices.
B. Instead of waiting for accolades to come in, start working on your next project.
C. Choose to stop looking at other people's results for a set duration of time.
D. Actively start complimenting others. This will make it easier for you to compliment yourself.

Of course, I don't want to invalidate validation, or the value of feedback. Certainly, knowing people like what we are doing can be vital to doing business. But if our desire for it stops us from doing business at all, its importance is out of proportion.

I'll be honest - I struggle with validation. I have to say I can answer, to some degree, yes to all those questions I posed to you. But I'm getting better - and I'm seeing interesting results.

The less I worry about validation, the more I receive. So go do what you do, and let the world watch. When they're ready to validate, be ready to deal with it.

Wanting it too much is bad enough - sometimes getting it can be even worse. Tomorrow I'll talk about what to do next.